I’ve been delving into my mental health recently, a lot of people have called me crazy for obsessing over it, but, the reality is, my mental health quite literally controls every aspect of my life. How can I not obsess over it?
I have always suspected that I didn’t just have manic depression and anxiety, I have always thought that there could be more, something else entirely maybe. It wasn’t until I was talking to a friend online about Borderline Personality Disorder did I even think to look into it, to see what it was all about. I am not going to lie, I have been a mental health snob, especially when I was first diagnosed when I was 14, I thought depression was the worst thing in the world and how could I function, no one could possibly be in a worse position than me. As I’ve grown older, I’ve grown wiser, I’ve educated myself, of course everyones mental health is different, it will always be a personal journey, no two people will ever be the same.
I delved deep into the world of BPD, and it is a scary world, as I was looking over symptoms and people’s personal stories I found myself relating much more to them than to other people suffering with just depression or anxiety. I have always struggled with personal relationships, they have always been messy, toxic, I have always found myself relating my self worth to whether or not I am liked or loved by the person I am with. I always assumed this was just a confidence issue I had, and I’ve worked tirelessly over the last few years to make sure I don’t fall into that trap again. So far, I’ve been okay, I haven’t had any toxic relationships, but the down side is that I haven’t actually had any relationships in five years. I’ve all but cut myself off from everyone who isn’t necessary to my life.
I struggle with my anger and my rage, I had always been told I had anger issues, I’ve always known I have issues in dealing with my anger, I lash out, I get violent, and then I hate myself, it’s a vicious cycle that never ends. I try to avoid situations that will trigger any anger, sometimes it can’t be helped and I quite literally wake up full of rage and I can’t control it.
There is a hundred more reasons why I want to delve deeper into understanding my mental health, I don’t want to inflict on my son what was inflicted on me as a child, by family members, not that it could be helped. There was never any intended actions towards us, we all know that someone who is having a breakdown isn’t in full control of their actions, especially when not on medication. I don’t place any blame on anyone, I just don’t want to be in the position where I am doing it to my own child when I know full well that I can try to reduce any incidents that my son witnesses by taking the right medication. Whilst my current medication works very well for my anxiety, it isn’t having any effects on the other symptoms I am currently suffering with.
I am in the middle of the biggest fight I will ever have, and it is with my own brain, my own mind. I will win, I will not let myself become a shell of who I once was.